Getting Real About Time #

I'm about to turn 44. My oldest daughter just graduated college. My twin daughters are 18 and heading off to college soon. My youngest is 13 and growing up so fast it's disorienting.

Lately, I keep hearing about people dying in their 50s and 60s. And I do the math. That's 10, maybe 15 years from now. And it hits different when you realize you might only have that much left.

The fear crept in slowly. Running out of time. Not being there for my kids. The worry that despite raising them well, I haven't prepared them enough. Will the world be kind to them? Have I given them what they need to handle it?

But as I sat with these thoughts, something interesting happened. I realized my oldest is through college. My twins are launching. The big work is done. And when I thought about what I actually taught them — to keep a clear mind, ask for help, come to me about anything — I realized I've already given them that. They get it. We talk. We understand each other now on a level we didn't when they were younger. That part? I've done it.

So the fear started to shift. It wasn't really about them.

The real thing underneath is simpler and maybe more honest: I haven't experienced as much of the world as I'd like to. There's this feeling that I've been waiting for the right time, and suddenly I'm 44 and I haven't done it yet.

Legacy turned out to be less about what I leave behind and more about what I'm still trying to live.